Past Ghosts and Future Promises
by Jaqs
Summary: After recieving a positive response for my first Carsan fanfic, i've decided to write a longer one, this time with more emphasis on Susan angst. Susan haters turn back now. Finally updated with chapter 3!
1. Next of Kin

1 Past Ghosts And Future Promises  
  
2 Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't make any money from them, never have and unfortunately never will  
  
Category: Carter/Susan, Mark/Susan friendship  
  
3 Rating: PG13 at the moment for language  
  
4 Spoilers: Brief episode 13  
  
5 Notes: Thanks to the surprising response to my first fanfic offering, I've decided to keep going with this one. I wanted to throw into the Carsan mix things that seem to be sorely lacking on the show so far, mainly some Mark/Susan interaction and some Susan based angst. Hope you all enjoy it, please R&R!  
  
5.1  
  
5.2 Chapter 1: Next of Kin  
  
  
  
Suppressing a yawn as she stirred, the last fragments of Susan's dream lost their grip as consciousness won and she opened her eyes. Slowly stretching her arms above her head, she groggily glanced at the clock.  
  
"Shit!"  
  
Now wide-awake, she rolled over and shook the prone figure snoring softly beside her. "Carter, wake up! John!"  
  
"Hmm?" was her sleepy reply as he threw his arm over her, already falling back to sleep.  
  
"We've slept in!" She hissed into his ear as she tried to remove the dead weight of his arm, "It's 6.30, we're both on at 7."  
  
"Fuck!" He bolted upright and looked at her with wild eyes. "What happened to the alarm?"  
  
"How should I know?" She replied throwing back the covers and standing up. "It was you that set it. God it's cold," she shivered as she made a beeline for the bathroom. She stopped in the doorway and glanced back to see him still in bed and rubbing sleep out of his eyes like a three year old. He looked adorable, but they were running late.  
  
"Carter move! It's Weaver who's on this morning. She's gonna kill us!"  
  
"You know it's gonna take too long for me to wait for the shower," he replied, looking up with a sly smirk. "I'm just gonna have to join you."  
  
She couldn't help the grin that formed on her lips, "You really think that will save time?" Shaking her head she said, "Go and use one of the guest rooms… but I'll take a rain check," before closing the door and turning on the water.  
  
Smiling to himself he got up and went over to the phone. "Henry? Could you do me a favour? Start my car and bring it round to the front. We're running a little late this morning. Thanks." Heading next door to use the bathroom in the guest room, he tossed one last look at his own now firmly closed bathroom door and shrugged, *It was worth a try, to hell with weaver*.  
  
  
  
As he pulled into the parking lot, Carter glanced at the time. "7.10am, we aren't that late. We might even manage to sneak in without her noticing."  
  
"Are we talking about the same Kerry Weaver here? Short, red head, the devil incarnate with a stick?"  
  
He parked, turned off the ignition and leaned over to surprise her with a passionate but all too short kiss.  
  
"What was that for?" She asked, surprised, but in no way complaining.  
  
"Making up for being made to shower alone," he shrugged nonchalantly. "That and I couldn't resist. But Kerry's not that bad you know, otherwise I would never have been able to live with her for so long."  
  
"I'll ask you that again in five minutes shall I?" she retorted as she stepped out to of the car. He merely grinned back at her over the roof of the car as he locked it.  
  
They hurried towards the entrance where Carter stopped short with his hand on the door, causing Susan to run into his back. "It's simple, we keep our heads down and head straight for the lounge. Trust me, I'm an expert."  
  
"Whatever you say doctor," she dryly replied as they moved through the doors. Whilst marching towards the lounge, she glanced up and saw that the place was practically dead. She reached up to whisper in his ear, "Looks like we may get away with it after…"  
  
"Good afternoon doctors! How nice of you to grace us with your presence."  
  
"Then again, maybe not."  
  
They pivoted round to face an irate looking Kerry. Carter stepped forward to try to explain. "Dr. Weaver, we're really sorry, but we had a slight problem with the alarm this morning and…"  
  
"Save it Carter, an excuse is an excuse and I don't need to hear it. I'm trying to run an ER here and if I can't rely on one of my attendings or my chief resident to be punctual, then what hope have I got with my junior members of staff? You are doctors, not sales assistants. If you aren't here on time, lives are at risk. Now, I understand you are at the beginnings of a relationship, and I'm happy for you, but please don't let it affect your performance and dedication to your jobs."  
  
"We are sorry Kerry, it won't happen again," Susan apologised when she had finished her speech.  
  
"Good, please make sure that it doesn't. I don't want to lose two of my best doctors to lovesickness," she smirked, turning to head back to the desk. Stopping, she tossed over her shoulder, "Carter, there's a chest pains waiting for you in exam 2, Susan an asthma attack in curtain 3."  
  
They entered the lounge and went to their lockers to retrieve their lab coats. "I'm confused, is it just me or somewhere amongst all that did she say that she approved of us?" Susan mused as they moved back towards the door.  
  
"Now that was the part I picked up on too. That and the 'best doctors'." He grinned as he held the door open for her, "See I told you so, she isn't that bad." She just rolled her eyes in response and headed for curtain 3.  
  
  
  
Stifling a yawn whilst rubbing the back of her neck, Susan approached the tray of charts at the desk. The ER had been swamped, the whole of the morning and most of the afternoon passing by in a seemingly endless carousel of patients.  
  
"Got anything for me Randi?"  
  
"Nope, we seem to have hit a lull," Randi replied, popping her ever present gum.  
  
"Finally," Susan sighed. "If I'm needed I'll be in the lounge catching up on charts."  
  
"Righto."  
  
Susan retrieved the offensive paperwork and headed for the lounge, but was intercepted by Abby. "Could you sign off on Mrs Harrison? Her son's on his way in to collect her."  
  
"Sure," she replied taking the offered chart and struggling to sign it and maintain her grip on the other ones.  
  
"That's quite a pile you have there," Abby noted, nodding towards the paperwork.  
  
"Tell me about it," she replied as she rolled her eyes. "The joys of being a doctor." She handed Mrs Harrison's chart back to Abby. Abby returned her smile, but in a slightly wistful manner. "Yeah, well don't let me keep you from them." Abby smiled slightly again before heading back down the corridor. Susan watched her retreating form briefly, relieved that they were at least making some headway and could now hold a civil conversation.  
  
Shaking her head slightly to clear her thoughts, she pushed open the lounge door to find that Mark had had the same idea and was sitting at the table with a mountain of paperwork of his own in front of him. "Hey," she said, dumping her charts across from him. Looking up he smiled back at her. "Coffee?" she questioned, nodding at his empty cup before going over to the pot.  
  
"Nah, I've had far too much of the stuff already today, thanks."  
  
"Killer day huh?" She stated as she took a seat.  
  
"You can say that again. Don't think I've treated so many minor cases in a long time. Strangely slow on the traumas though. Well, so far," he amended, flashing her a grin.  
  
"Knock on wood," She replied, rapping her knuckles on the table. She opened the first chart and picked up her pen. "How's Ella doing?" She asked, changing the tone of the conversation.  
  
"She's doing good," he nodded, "Elizabeth's still at home with her. She's not ready to leave her side yet and return to work."  
  
"That's understandable," she sympathised, "And Rachel?"  
  
He sighed and frowned before responding. "She's back with Jenn. Hating it and hating me. I just pray to God she's been shocked into learning her lesson"  
  
"Mark, I know we haven't had that much time for each other since I got back, but I want you to know that I'm always a friendly ear if you need to talk about anything. Despite the past."  
  
"I know," he replied simply, "And I'm glad. It goes both ways though." She nodded and he looked back down to scribble on his charts, trying to think of something to say to lighten the mood again.  
  
"So, I hear someone didn't start the morning in the best of ways," he said, looking up mischievously.  
  
She laughed. "Yes, you could say that. Though she wasn't that bad about it really. She even slipped in an approval of our relationship amongst her tirade. Had me shocked to say the least."  
  
"How are things going with Carter?"  
  
"They're good, real good in fact. There have been a couple of hiccups, but what relationship hasn't?"  
  
He nodded understandingly, before breaking into a grin. "I so called it ages ago. I knew there was something going on. I'm psychic!"  
  
She rolled her eyes before answering, "Yeah, you're a regular post modern Nostradamus aren't you?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"So how's our futures looking then, oh great one?"  
  
"Nothing but sunny skies for everyone. We've had enough misery to last us a life time," a hint of sorrow creeped into his voice. She leaned over to give his arm a quick squeeze.  
  
"I know, believe me I know," she said softly, her voice echoing his. The silence stretched on for a few minutes as they both wrote their notes, each lost in their own thoughts.  
  
"Susan?" He asked hesitantly after a while.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"You've never really talked about this and I understand if you don't want to, but why did you come back? How was life in Phoenix?" She raised her head in surprise to meet his questioning gaze briefly before staring into space, collecting her thoughts.  
  
"It took a bit to get used to it at first to be honest. I'd wonder daily if I'd made a big mistake. But being with Susie and Chloe was great and eventually I settled into the job just fine. I…I even fell in love," she added cautiously, looking at him for a second, trying to gauge his reaction. Despite having both moved on from that day years ago, and their mutual desire to remain nothing more than friends, the subject of love was still slightly taboo and had only really been discussed in a light manner. Relieved to see no change in his facial expression, she continued. "Then, in a nutshell, the shit hit the fan." She finished with a sigh.  
  
"In what way?" he pressed.  
  
"Let's just say that three weeks before my wedding day, my eyes were opened."  
  
Sensing from the sad and slightly faraway look in her eyes, that this was all he would get from her on the subject, he decided to drop it for the time being. "Well I for one, and I think I can confidently speak for Carter too, am glad that you are home," he said, smiling warmly at her.  
  
"Me too" she stated, returning to the present and smiled back at him. "The past and Phoenix are far behind me now. I'm back at County and I'm falling in love with a wonderful, sweet man. Yeah, I'm glad to be home." They both returned to their work in a comfortable silence.  
  
  
  
"So, when do you get of?" She asked as they left the lounge, many charts later.  
  
"Nine, you?"  
  
"Seven," she replied smugly.  
  
"Carter too?"  
  
"Yep. He doesn't know it yet, but he's taking me to dinner."  
  
"Well you have to take advantage of having a rich boyfriend right?"  
  
"Exactly!"  
  
"Dr. Lewis!" Randi hollered as she spied them walking down the hall, "There's someone from Phoenix Memorial on the phone for you," she continued when they turned back towards her.  
  
Susan gave Mark a surprised look. "Looks like you are psychic after all," she noted archly before walking over to retrieve the phone. Mark followed her, heading for the computer.  
  
"Susan Lewis" she stated into the phone. "Carrie! How are you? Hmm…what? …I see…"  
  
Being near enough to overhear, Mark noted the change in her demeanour and glanced up from the screen. The colour had drained from her face and she was clutching the desk as if to steady herself. Just then, Carter wandered past, engrossed in a chart and oblivious to his surroundings. Mark grabbed his elbow to get his attention and nodded in Susan's direction. Carter noticed her distress immediately and walked over, concerned, to stand next to her. The conversation seemed to be winding up.  
  
"Of course…thanks for phoning Carrie…yeah, soon as I can…bye," the last few words were barely more than a whisper. She replaced the receiver and stared at it blankly. Carter hesitantly put a hand on her shoulder. She didn't notice.  
  
"Susan? Are you alright?" he asked gently. She turned slightly to face him.  
  
"Yeah…uhm that was my old work. My …my ex-fiancé has been in a car crash. She didn't want to go into it over the phone, but they don't think he'll make it." He gently gripped her elbow in an attempt to comfort her. She continued, "He still had me listed as his next of kin." She looked up into his eyes and whispered, "I have to go to him."  
  
He nodded, not quite fully understanding, and pulled her into an embrace.  
  
  
  
To be continued… 


	2. Back To Haunt Her

1 Notes: This started off as a small scene and ended up a whole chapter. I'm not entirely convinced I like it yet, but I hope you all enjoy (  
  
2  
  
3 Back To Haunt Her  
  
  
  
Numb with shock, all she could do was cling to him, knowing that if he weren't there she would be a heap on the floor by now. Her mind raced as she tried to process what she had just been told. Why was this happening? Why now, when she had finally gotten her life back on track and she was finding happiness? One phone call had turned it all on its head once again. He still had the power to do that to her, despite the thousands of miles she had put between them.  
  
"Susan?" Carter whispered in her ear, breaking into her thoughts and bringing her back to the present. The realisation dawned on her that she was breaking down in the middle of the ER. "Let's get you to the lounge, what do you say?" he asked, releasing his hold on her and pulling back slightly to look at her face. She nodded and blindly followed him. Mark grabbed Carter's arm as they passed.  
  
"I'll get on the phone about flights shall I?" he questioned, unable to mask the concern in his eyes.  
  
"Yeah, good idea," Carter replied whilst fishing for his wallet. He removed a credit card and handed to him. "Here, use this. Get her on the next flight, it doesn't matter about the cost." Mark nodded and started dialing. Putting his arm around Susan to steady her, he looked around and noticed they had an audience.  
  
"Hey! Haven't we all got work to do? The last thing Susan needs right now is everyone gawking at her!" He glared around at them all as he opened the lounge door and ushered her in.  
  
Susan moved on autopilot, hardly noticing as he led her to the couch and sat down with her. Memories came flooding back to her, memories she would rather forget. Foremost in her mind was the last time she had seen him. She could still see clearly the look on his face as she left him. That puppy dog look he had perfected years ago that used to melt her heart every time. However, it had failed to work the day she left his life, vowing never to return. But now she had to return. Damn that bastard, she thought, she'd loved him with all her heart, she'd hated him bitterly, and now, when she had finally reached a state of indifference he was back to haunt her.  
  
Carter sat silently beside her, holding her hand. Observing the turmoil in her eyes as she stared into space, he could tell she was not ready to talk yet. He had countless questions, but realised that now was not the time to voice them. She had barely spoken to him about her life in Phoenix, telling him only that she had been engaged but that it hadn't worked out and she had left the guy. He had sensed at her reluctance that there was more to the story, but unwilling to risk upsetting the apple cart and losing her so early in the relationship, he had left well alone until a time when he hoped she would open up to him. Now he felt slightly redundant and confused sitting here next to her. He had no idea how to comfort her, as he didn't know exactly what this man had meant to her. Hell, he didn't even know his name. He tried to shake it off, but there was also a part of him that was fearful of what her ex-fiancé still meant to her. She was visibly upset that much was evident, but then who wouldn't be after such news?  
  
"John?" her soft voice interrupted his thoughts and he glanced over to find her looking at him intently. "Thank you," she continued once she had his attention.  
  
"What for?" He asked, confused.  
  
"For being here. For catching me out there," she smiled faintly, "and for not asking the questions I see in your eyes."  
  
He sucked his breath in sharply at that, surprised that she could read him. He sighed before replying, "Susan, I won't pretend that I understand what's going on, but this isn't about me. I just want to be here for you as much as you need me and I only pray that, when you're ready, you let me in."  
  
She squeezed his hand and smiled once more. "I have no intention of keeping you out, believe me." She moved closer and leaned into him. He put his arm around her instinctively. "I'm not really sure where to start, I've never really spoken about how it ended with David to anyone other than Chloe."  
  
"You don't have to talk about it now, I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Mark stuck his head through the doorway, "Carter," he stated indicating with his head for Carter to follow him outside.  
  
"I'll be right back," he whispered and kissed her forehead tenderly before heading into the hall.  
  
"How did you get on?"  
  
"I've managed to get you both on the 7.30pm flight straight through to Phoenix. First class was all that was left though, but I figured what with her fear of flying, the more comfortable she is, the better."  
  
Carter dismissed the cost with a wave of his hand, but had to question the second ticket, "Both of us?"  
  
"I assumed you would be going with her. You're not?"  
  
"Naturally I want to, but I really don't know if she wants me there. Also, what about work?"  
  
"Forget about work, we'll manage. I don't think she should go alone though. I'm not sure about friends, but she's got no family there anymore."  
  
"No, you're right. I'll talk to her, see what she says about me tagging along," he replied, turning to go back into the lounge.  
  
"Carter?" He looked back at Mark, "She's not going alone, ok?" Carter nodded in understanding and went back into the lounge.  
  
Expecting her still to be on the couch, he was surprised to find her pacing the floor with a steaming coffee cup in her hands. "Hey, how are you?"  
  
She stopped her pacing and stood facing him in the middle of the room. "Worried, frustrated, scared that I won't get there in time …did Mark have any luck with a flight?"  
  
"Yes, you're booked on one leaving at 7.30. Listen, Mark and I were talking and we don't want you going alone. I know it might be awkward with him being you're ex and all, but I want to go with you."  
  
"John, that's sweet, but you don't have to. I'll be ok on…"  
  
"No, I want to. Let me be there for you and look after you. I'll only worry if I stay here," he interrupted before she could finish, practically pleading.  
  
"Ok," she relented and walked over to him. She reached up and stroked his cheek before leaning in to kiss him tenderly. "You're a good man John Carter, I don't know what I'd do without you. I want you to know that none of this has any bearing on us. My going to be with him in no way changes the way I feel about you."  
  
"Sshhh," he stopped her from going on, reaching up and placing his hand over her own on his cheek. "We can talk about it on the plane," he finished, kissing her palm. "Speaking of which, we need to make a move." Releasing her hand, he moved to retrieve his coat from his locker. She put her coffee cup down and did likewise.  
  
"Ready?" She nodded and he guided her out the lounge. Mark spotted them and came over to give her a hug.  
  
"How are you holding up?" He inquired.  
  
"I'm alright, a bit shell shocked and anxious to get away, but I'm ok."  
  
"Phone me when you get there ok?" He asked, looking at Carter for conformation. Once he got it, he stepped back and continued," You'd better go." He turned to leave them just as Kerry approached.  
  
"Susan, I'm deeply sorry to hear the news."  
  
"Thanks Kerry," she replied, attempting a smile.  
  
"Don't worry about work at all. Take as long as you need out there. Both of you. We'll manage fine."  
  
"Yes, thanks Kerry. We really have to get going if we're gonna catch this plane." Carter replied, placing a hand on Susan's shoulder, wanting to leave.  
  
"Yes, absolutely, I understand. Take care now."  
  
After a few more hugs and words of sympathy from the staff they finally made it out the door. Whilst walking towards the car, Carter took out his phone and called home.  
  
"Gamma, hi it's me …listen I'm going to have to leave town for a bit. Susan just found out that a good friend of hers has been in a bad accident …I'm flying out with her to be with them …yes, I will do …could you get someone to put a bag together for me, we're kinda pushed for time …yeah at least a couple of days worth. Thanks, I'll call you when we get there …Phoenix…ok, bye."  
  
"Gamma sends her sympathies," he relayed as they reached the car and climbed in. Carter glanced over at her as he was buckling his belt and could see that she was a thousand miles away once more.  
  
"Hey," he said, reaching over to grasp her hand. "It will be alright, you'll get through this. He might not be as bad as you think."  
  
She sighed and looked out the window at the sun setting between the buildings. "Maybe. I hate sleeping in. The day always gets worse when you do, without fail. We should have just stayed in bed," she said, chuckling to herself humourlessly. Not being able to think of anything of comfort to say, he squeezed her hand before starting the car and guiding it out the parking lot.  
  
  
  
A little over an hour later, they pulled up at O'Hare airport, having battled with the rush hour traffic and picked up some clothes. Parking in a long-term lot, they headed for the terminal in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Was it really just that morning they had been arguing good- naturedly over the shower? They spilt up once inside, Carter heading in search of their tickets, while Susan joined the check-in queue. Locating the right desk, he stepped up to the assistant.  
  
"Hi, I have two tickets for Dr Carter and Dr Lewis reserved under Carter."  
  
"What's your destination Sir?"  
  
"Phoenix, Sky Harbour."  
  
"Here we go, first class?"  
  
"That's right."  
  
"If you could just sign here for them."  
  
"Sure," he replied, signing where indicated and taking the offered tickets.  
  
"Thank you Sir, have a nice trip." She called after him as he turned to look for Susan. He waved half-heartedly in response as he chuckled at the irony of her words. Yeah, it was sure to be one hell of a trip, of that much he could be certain.  
  
  
  
To be continued… 


	3. Mile High Musings

Notes: Sorry its taken so long for an update. That's what I get for starting a story just before one of my busiest times of the year I suppose. Hope you enjoy...  
  
Mile High Musings  
  
As the seatbelt sign clicked off above them, Carter looked down at the hand that was slowly cutting off the circulation to his own with its grip. Squeezing her hand affectionately, his gaze travelled upwards and came to rest on her face. Her eyes were tightly closed and she had headphones over her ears, trying desperately to shut out the fact that they were no longer on the ground. The worry was clearly etched on her face and he wondered just how much of it was down to this man that they were headed towards. Who was this mysterious ex-fiancé, and what does he mean to her? Why is he travelling across the country for someone he doesn't even know? He had so many questions to ask her, but couldn't find the words to voice them.  
  
The stewardess stopped by them and interrupted his thoughts. "Can I get you anything to drink sir?" she implored, punctuated with a toothy grin.  
  
"Uhm, yes can I have a scotch and an iced tea please?"  
  
"Certainly sir." She moved to retrieve the bottles and cups from her cart, bending more than she needed in order to flash her cleavage - a move that went unnoticed by Carter, who had picked up a magazine with his free hand and was looking at the cover.  
  
"There you go," she said, setting the whiskey on Carter's tray and the iced tea on Susan's.  
  
"Thank you," he replied as he swapped the bottles over, "the whiskey's for my girlfriend, she hates flying and its to calm her nerves a bit," he explained.  
  
"Of course sir, I'm sorry," she giggled in a manner that suggested that she should have realised this. "Well I hope you enjoy your flight and if you need anything, just press this button," she said, leaning over to show him which button and leaning way too close to him in the process, "and I'll be right with you." She leaned back to give him a dazzling smile before moving on to the next row.  
  
"She was flirting with you."  
  
"What? No she wasn't!" He looked over to her in surprise to see that the headphones were off, but her eyes were still closed. He twisted round in his seat to look at the stewardess quizzically, who by now was not looking very pleased to be serving an old man who seemed to be having the time of his life as he leered at her. He turned back round. "She was just being friendly, that's all," he shrugged.  
  
Susan opened her eyes and turned slightly to face him, unable to hold a snort of laughter back. "Please Carter, her voice dropped an octave when you said girlfriend and not wife - and what was with the call button? I think you can find it without her shoving her boobs in your face." She was laughing openly by now.  
  
"Hey! You shouldn't be laughing, you should be getting all jealous!" He pouted.  
  
"Sorry John, but I find it hilarious that strangers flirt with you all the time and you never notice."  
  
It was good to see her smiling, he thought. That was the first time in hours. She could make fun of him all she liked if it would keep that smile on her face. Besides, she was beautiful when she laughed, so his motives weren't entirely selfless. "Yeah, well I noticed when you flirted with me," he shot back, matching her smile.  
  
"That was different, I wasn't a stranger," she lowered the pitch of her voice in the same way the stewardess had done minutes earlier before continuing, "and you wanted me to flirt."  
  
He was all to aware of the seductive tone this time and simply replied: "very true," before leaning in to claim her lips with his own. The stewardess walked post them and shot them a filthy look.  
  
Susan let herself get lost in his kiss for a moment. She wanted nothing more than to forget the rest of the world existed, but she couldn't bury her head in the sand any longer. She had to tell Carter why she was dragging him across the country. She broke away from his kiss and leaned her forehead against his. "I love you." She whispered before pulling away.  
  
"I'm sure you want to know what happened to me in Phoenix. Why I left, and why I have to go back now."  
  
He nodded hesitantly, "Only if you are ready to tell me," he said trying to catch her eye, but she was fixated on opening the bottle in front of her and poured the amber liquid into the glass. She raised the glass and took a sip, relishing the burning sensation it caused before taking a deep breath and raised her eyes to meet his.  
  
"No you need to know, and it will take my mind off flying." Her lips curled into a bittersweet smile, one that didn't quite reach her eyes. He reached over and squeezed her hand reassuringly.  
  
"When I first moved there I used to wonder daily if I'd made the right decision. It was hard to get into the swing of things at work. The hospital was a far cry from County and although the people were nice enough, I couldn't help but feel like and outsider. I missed all of you a hell of a lot, I missed going into work and people being genuinely interested in how I was. But then seeing Suzie regularly made it worth it." She stopped and broke into a wide grin at the thought of her niece. It was infectious and Carter couldn't help grinning himself.  
  
"You really love that little girl like she was your own, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess I always will. I still miss her like crazy, but it's not as bad as it was back then. I know she's loved and she's happy and that I'll always be her cool Aunt Susan. I can live with that."  
  
"Cool huh?"  
  
"I'll have you know that to a 6 year old, I'm very cool!" She retorted, slapping his arm. "So anyway," she sobered as she remembered what she was talking about. "I loved being close to her and eventually I settled in at work and made friends. Each day I was thinking about Chicago less and less and I started to believe that I'd done the right thing after all. Then after I had been there about six months, I ran into David, quite literally. I was wandering back down to the ER after being in ICU, head buried in a chart and not looking where I was going. I rounded a corner and smacked right into him, sending both our charts flying. I apologised a hundred times whilst trying to retrieve them and we got talking. His face was vaguely familiar to me at the time, but I didn't know who he was."  
  
She stopped to take another sip of her drink and looked over to meet Carter's gaze. He smiled back at her, which gave her the courage to continue. "So it turns out he was an anaesthesiologist, working in pediatric surgery. He already knew my name and that I was in the ER. When I asked him how he knew, he gave me some corny line about making a point of finding out about all new pretty doctors. Now that I think about it, the whole situation was kinda corny." She found herself smiling at the memory, the scene was still so vivid in her head. She wanted to tell it impartially and clinically, for Carter's sake as much as her own, but already the damn memories were surfacing. Despite the way it ended, she could not deny the many highs in the relationship. She took a couple of deep breaths to steady herself, determined to stick to the facts.  
  
Beside her, Carter's mind was also a turmoil of emotions already. He had to know, had to try to understand what she was going through, but it wasn't going to be easy listening to your girlfriend recall her relationship with another man, one that as he understood it, she was set on marrying. He chided himself for the jealousy that was slowly starting to build within him. Logically he knew that she had had a life and had loved before returning to Chicago, but it was far from escaping his notice that she was willingly returning to that life, and taking him along for the ride. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the facts and the most important thing: it wasn't about him, it was about Susan. Also, her wanting him with her had to be reassuring. He squeezed her hand slightly once more as it was the only thing he could think of doing, and waited patiently for her to continue.  
  
"So I apologised once more and left to go back to work. I remember thinking he was cute, but thought no more of him until he shows up half an hour later to return a chart of mine that he'd picked up along with his own. He asked me out right then, but I declined. I explained that I wasn't looking for anyone at the time... how lame does that sound! But it was true, I'd just moved across the country, Mark had confused the hell out of me, and I really felt I had to sort myself out and be happy with me before I could think about dating. But over - "  
  
"Wait, sorry to interrupt, but what about Mark?"  
  
She blinked back at him in surprise at the question. She hadn't even realised really that she had mentioned Mark. She was just blurting out the story as it came to her in a stream of thought, not particularly thinking about what exactly she was saying. "Oh... Mark. Well that's maybe something that can be left for another time. It's...it's not really important to my life in Phoenix."  
  
"Okay... but now you've got me all curious. So there was something between you and Mark?"  
  
"Yes and no, but please, not right now," she asked, pleading with her eyes. "It's really not that important." He nodded his acquiescence and she continued:  
  
"But he wouldn't take no for an answer, continually finding excuses to come down to the ER, until I finally relented and agreed to go to dinner with him. He was really sweet; charming and funny, and despite his initial pushiness, seemed willing to take it at whatever pace I wanted. So we started dating, but I'll spare you the details. After about a year we got a place together and... I think nearly a year after that he proposed.  
  
"I accepted though we were quite happy as we were and in no particular hurry, so we set a date in early spring of last year. Wow, that's over a year ago now.  
  
"So, yeah, I fell in love with him, despite what I said earlier about wanting to `find' myself. I was ready to settle down with him: kids, picket fence, mini-van - the whole deal, you know what I mean?"  
  
"Uhm no, not yet," he replied lightly, though sitting there watching her pour her heart out, he got the feeling that deep down that perhaps the seed had already been planted, a picture of the future was slowly starting to form in the back of his mind, admittedly hazy, but there nevertheless. One thing was clear to him though, Susan was a part of it somehow.  
  
"I could see myself growing old with him," she continued, her quiet musings pulling him back to the present, commanding his attention. "I thought he felt the same, he certainly told me as much often enough. Looking back now, maybe he was just a bit too vocal in his insistence.  
  
"Before we knew it, the wedding was almost upon us and the run up was hectic to say the least. We were both so busy at work and any time we got to spend together was spent on the wedding. Both our tempers were short at times, but I just chalked it up to the stress we were under and believed that once the wedding was over, everything would be fine. Then one day, exactly three weeks to go, I was just finishing my shift and heading home when I realised I'd left a book with the caterer's number in it in David's office. I went to get it as I needed to phone them about something. His office was locked but I just assumed he was in surgery and it didn't matter as I had a spare key. So I..." She stopped and took a gulp of whiskey, closing her eyes in an attempt to banish the memory fighting its way to the forefront of her mind. After a second she opened them and stared emotionless at the seat in front of her.  
  
"I opened the door to find him with one of the nurses in his department. I caught them at it, right there on his desk."  
  
Carter's back stiffened in surprise as he processed what she'd just told him. From the way she had been speaking, he had already guessed that the break-up was not down to her, but he hadn't seen that coming. Instinctively his blood began to boil at the thought of anyone who would callously hurt her like that. She was staring out the window now, in a world of her own.  
  
"So what did you do?"  
  
To be continued...  
  
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